MY FOUR DAD'S: A Special 5 Part Series

FIRST THINGS FIRST....HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE DAD'S IN BLOGLAND! Next, I need to warn you guys this post is pretty long so read it at your own risk. (but definitly read it in it's entirety. As the title of this post suggests, I've been tremendously blessed to have 4 dynamic men who play the role of father in my life. Initially I was going to do one big Father's Day Tribute post about all of them. I changed my mind when I realized how hard it would be to express the tremendous impact each one of them has had on my life. I honestly wouldnt be a quarter of the person I am if it wasnt for them. They each bring something very different to my life and I'm honored to celebrate them individually on my blog in a special 5 part series. Yea I know you're wondering why there are 5 parts if I only have 4 dads. I'm glad you asked...In the 5th and final post, I'll introduce you guys to my 4 SONS. Yes I have 4 damn SONS and YES I'm DONE!! I've had my tubes clipped twice and burned...lol..anyway I digress so before I get into the Part I, I put together a small tribute to my dads for father's day that I'd like to share with you. Consider it a preview of things to come so stay tuned!!!

HERO

I'll always look up to you, no matter what others do
You're my HERO
Here's a small shoulder to lean on, when you're feeling all alone
Here's my hand to hold.

I am praying for my HERO
I know it hurts when you fall and others seem to give up on you
I will pray for you HERO
I realize in real life that HEROES are going to make mistakes too.

They always expect the best from you, forgetting that you're human too
God's the only judge it's true, so hold your head up high
You're still a HERO in my eyes
Because of you my limit is the sky

My HERO
It's gotta hurt when you fall and others seem to give up on you
My HERO
I realize in real life that HEROES are going to make mistakes too

Keep your head up my HERO please don't let me down
I will pray for strength and encouragement to lift you up
To lift you up when you are torn down

My HERO,
I know it hurts when you fall and others they give up on you
My HERO
I realize in real life that HEROES make mistakes too
My HERO, here is some strength to carry on, here is some courage to stay strong
My HERO, I love you from my heart I love you

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!


PART I of V ~ FORGIVENESS FOR FREEDOM: How I Learned To Love The Father I HATED For 22 Years Of My Life

Before 1999, if you would have asked me about the man who planted my seed into my mother and gave me his name, I probably would have immediately frowned and said 'I don’t have a father, he died after he came inside my mother.' Yea I know, that's how much I hated him. In fact, for as far back as I can remember, I never really liked him because I always felt like I never measured up to what I thought were his outrageous standards. I always felt like we were complete opposites who didn't have the bond I imagined fathers and sons should have. For example, he liked sports and I didn't, he never displayed emotions and I wore my emotions on my sleeve, he has ALWAYS been the most masculine man I know and has always DESPISED any hint of femininity in men, I've always struggled with a few slight feminine traits that have been with me for as long as I can remember. The first time ever I heard him say 'If any one of my son's ever turned out to be gay, I will break a broom across his back.' I was six years old. As the years passed, that phrase became one of his signature statements that plagued my life for more than 20 years.

As I've shared many times before, I was raised in a VERY strict religious household. I've always been different. For most of my childhood and teen years being different was a constant source of frustration and heartache to my already complicated life. I couldn't understand why I NEVER fit into the typical social circles, cliques, the popular crews etc regardless to how hard I tried. Although I'm sure attending one of Chicago's premier performing arts/college prep high schools with a bunch of trust fund babies while living in the ghetto didn't help my issues. I blamed my father for being more concerned with working damn near 7 days a week than spending quality time with our family as I imagined every other father was doing. I blamed him for not paying enough attention to the son he decided to give his name. Around the age of 8, I became an overachiever and got involved every activity I could. I thought by excelling in school, he'd be forced to look past me being different and be proud of my accomplishments. I desperately wanted him to realize he hadn't made a mistake by giving me his name even though I'd already convinced myself he had.

To my surprise, my plan didn't work. When I got the lead in school plays, he never showed up to see me. When I won numerous awards for leadership and various national speech contests, he never came to cheer me on. When I got accepted into the highly competitive theatre program of my first choice high school, his response was "I hope you don't think you going to that school especially since it's on the north side. Aint nothing on the north side but white people and faggots."(btw I went anyway thanx to my mother) As I moved into my teen years, the hatred and bitterness for him grew more. Since my previous plan to get his attention didn't work, I set my mind on making more money than him and doing better (academically & financially) than anybody else in my immediate family (especially him). This time I was sure he would get it because I would be so successful, there would be no way for him NOT to get it. In order to definitely make the plan work without distractions from the major dysfunction at home I'd grown accustomed to, I decided to leave a few months shy of my 16th birthday. (there were a few other factors I wont address in this post that were a part of this decision including a month long stay at a mental institution initiated by my parents, a humiliating meeting with ALL of the ministers from my parents church and an old fashion beat down by good old dad himself)

Little did I know that decision would change the trajectory of my life and despite a multitude of accomplishments including achieving the major goal (making more money than him) I was so sure would finally force him to get it, he didn't and I remained unhappy and unfulfilled. I tried writing a letter to him with a list of all of my accomplishments and more importantly my TRUE feelings about him and our relationship (or lack thereof). I intentionally mailed it a few days before father's day to ensure he got it on or shortly after the day I’d grown to hate with every fiber of my being. As I reflect back to how I was feeling when I wrote the letter, I should have known it wouldn’t produce the results I was hoping for because it came from a place of anger, blame and hate. While I'm not able to recall everything I wrote, I do remember ending the letter with 'I would be lying if I wished you a Happy Father's Day because you have/will NEVER understand what it means to be a Father' A few days later, I got a call from my mother (who was very upset) . She said 'Bobby I don't know what you put in that letter but it really messed your father up. He hasn't been right since he got it. He's not eating or sleeping and I'm really worried about him' Although I really wanted to be happy about the fact that it affected him, my conscious wouldn't let me because I knew things wouldn't change.

A few more years passed and our relationship (or lack thereof) remained the same. At this point, I started noticing something about my life that shook the core of my foundation. I was stuck in vicious cycle that was causing me to make the same mistakes over and over again. Each time I thought my life was finally working well, something fucked up would happen and I'd have to start all over again. On top of that, I was addicted to being busy which caused me to get involved in a bunch of different activities to occupy my time when the reality was I wasn’t doing ANY of them well. I realized it was time to figure out what I was running from. I knew the ONLY way I'd be able to really see what was going on, I would have to force myself to sit down and spend some serious time examining the role I'd played in why my life wasn't working.(specifically some of the decisions I'd made) Now don't get me wrong, I'd been down this road before. I knew exactly what I needed to do but honestly I was scared as hell at the very thought of looking at some of the ugly shit from my past that I'd tried (unsuccessfully of course) to push out of my mind so I could move on with my life. It was so much easier to blame my dad and fucked up childhood for why my life was a mess. I'd also tried EVERYTHING to try to fix myself!! Therapy…Didn't work for me, Church….I had major issues with church after being molested by several members of the church I was raised in. I also blamed the church for playing a MAJOR part in destroying my family so seeking help from any CHURCH or anything church related wasn't an option.

My LAST option turned out to be exactly what I needed to help me work through my shit. I actually blogged about how that experience COMPLETELY changed my life and helped me forgive my father NOT for him but for myself. Check out THIS POST for more on that. I wanted to share my story with anybody who is carrying ANY bitterness, hatred or anger towards your family (specifically your immediate family) I know how it feels to be so hurt by things your OWN DAMN family members (including your parents) did to you that you have NO DESIRE to even be in their presence. After some of the fucked up shit my father did to me, I honestly believed without a shadow of a doubt that there was absolutely NO WAY in hell I could ever forgive him and forget about establishing any kind of relationship with him. That was COMPLETELY out of the question. I convinced myself that I would NEVER give him the opportunity to hurt me again. In fact, for about 10 years I only spoke to him if he answered the phone when I called my mom. I never shared ANYTHING about my life and was sometimes downright nasty to him when he’d answer the phone.

The hardest pill for me to swallow became one of the biggest lessons I learned in life. WHEN ITS ALL SAID AND DONE IT WOULDNT MATTER HOW HARD I WORKED TO BE SUCCESSFUL, I'D NEVER BE COMPLETELY HAPPY AND FREE UNTIL I COMPLETELY FORGAVE HIM AND FREED MYSELF OF THE HEAVY NEGATIVE WEIGHT ASSOCIATED THOSE FEELINGS (whether I chose to see, acknowledge and deal with them) Believe it or not that realization was not enough for me to do anything to fix it. A small yet very significant realization inspired me to take the first step. UNDERSTANDING and FULLY ACCEPTING the fact that forgiving him was not about him or for him. It was ALL ABOUT ME!! Forgiving him didn't mean I would have to establish a relationship. I also didn't need to forget what he did to me to forgive him. He didn't have to acknowledge what he did or apologize to me b/c the reality is HE KNOW’S VERY WELL WHAT HE DID and that is HIS WORK TO DO! It has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!

I will NEVER be able to explain in words the feeling I experienced after I forgave him without ANY attachments or expectation. It was an out of body, once in a lifetime experience that I'll NEVER forget and I can honestly say my life hasn't been the same since. I'm happy to report that while we damn sure aint the best of friends, I have a pretty decent relationship with my dad. It's not perfect but life isn't so we’re doing ok. Without a doubt, I know I'm a better person and my life is significantly different (in a great way) as a result forgiving him. The fact that I’m in a wonderful, healthy relationship with the love of my life and experiencing REAL LOVE for the first time in my life is a clear example of what's possible if you allow yourself to take the risk of letting go of your past to create the space for a future of limitless possibilities.

HELL NAW IT AINT EASY AND HELL YEA IT TAKES TIME but this is your life and your future we’re talking about here…YOU ARE WORTH IT!! Trust me on this one. Now in case you hadn't notice from the pictures, I couldn't deny him as my father if I tried. I'm finally at a point in my life where I can acknowledge and accept some of great positive traits/characteristics I've inherited from him that have contributed to the fabric of my being thus far. Since I actually have 4 different dads (more on that later) I thought I'd share 4 positive traits/ characteristics I inherited from Bobby Brown Sr. that I'm grateful for.

4 Positive Traits/Characteristics I Inherited From Bobby Brown Sr.
I. Self-Confidence (often mistaken for arrogance) & Fantastic Genes
Despite the fact my dad celebrated his 50th birthday this year, he is in EXCELLENT shape (he works out at least 3 times a week) He doesn’t look his age AT ALL and can easily pass for mid-30s. One of the things I've always admired about him is how effortless he displays confidence. It's definitely a gift he carries in his bowlegged stride wherever he goes.

II. Amazing Work Ethic
Throughout my life, I've NEVER witnessed my father out of work and I can still count on both hands the number of times he's called in sick. He's always done a DAMN good job taking care of our family of 9 (7 children and my mom). There were times he worked 2 jobs seven days a week just to make sure our needs were met. Not only that, he is a HARD worker who doesn't mind rolling up his sleeves and getting dirty to get the job done. I'm always amazed when I think about the fact that at my age, he was taking care of a family. This is definitely the trait I’m the most grateful for inheriting b/c it has taken me very far.

III. The Razor Sharp Tongue (that refuses to be held more often than not)
This is one of several traits I inherited from my mom & dad. I've personally witnessed (and been on the receiving end) of them in action (separately & together) and I'm still hoping one day I'll be as good as them. They have two very different yet highly effective styles/approaches that yield some interesting (sometimes very ugly) results. My mother is very outgoing, talkative and definitely has the 'gift of gab' which she uses to her benefit. I can't tell you how many times I've watched or heard my mother let somebody have it with a big smile on her face and in the friendliest tone. If you don't believe me, ask Rodney or Dizyaboy. Please understand that even though I've invested a LOT of time and energy into developing my verbal communication skills (aka my tongue) I've learned (the hard way of course) NOT TO TEST HER (especially in public or in the presence of company) My dad's style/approach is and has always been very SHORT, DIRECT and UNFILTERED delivery without regard to feelings. You'll always know exactly what he thinks or how he feels about things (especially if he doesn't agree with you or has a reason to believe you might be wrong) His personality is the complete opposite of my mother. HE IS NOT OUTGOING, TALKATIVE or FRIENDLY. In fact, my siblings and I think he is SHADY AS HELL. He is the master of 'looking through' people. (another trait I inherited) He won’t speak to you if you've not spoken first. . However, if you happen to capture his attention long enough to engage in a conversation, you should be ready to hear the truth without the warm fuzzies. During a conversation with him a few weeks ago, he said 'I really don’t like being around people. I believe I could exist on this planet by myself and be ok' GOTTA LOVE IT! As you can probably imagine, disagreements/arguments between my parents tend to be a lengthy word battles I’m pretty sure this trait was already in motion by the time I came out my mother's wound. She once told me "from the time you started talking, that mouth has been something else" I remember the warning she'd say (so much I’m hearing her voice right now) "Bobby, that mouth is gonna get you in trouble when you get older" Of my 6 siblings, I was the one who would continue to ask questions after whippings/beatings/punishments. I can't tell you how many additional smacks/beatings/punishments I got as a result of talking back. I was the one in church who took pleasure in giving the ushers HELL! (ex: During service, when the ushers passed out paper to dispose of gum, I'd either ignore them and keep chewing or hold the paper in the air with a sarcastic 'what is this for' look. (again ask Dizyaboy if you don’t believe me) Believe it or not I can honestly say that while my tongue has definitely gotten me into some "uncomfortable" situations, overall it has worked VERY well for me. Of course when you throw in 10 years of training via my professional career in Human Resources while experiencing life, making mistakes and learning lessons, I think I've turned out ok thanks to a solid foundation which includes a sharp tongue from both of my parents.

FYI: I spent a significant amount of time debating with myself trying to figure out how to articulate the fourth (and last) positive trait I inheritated without being too vulgar or revealing too much information about myself (and my dad for that matter) The more I thought about it, the more I realized the best way to say it is to just say it. (kinda like my daddy) so here it goes.

IV. A very special (larger than average) "gift" that has and continues to afford me (and the chosen few who've been invited to engage) with a very active, pleasurable and extremely satisfying sex life.

I won't expound on this one b/c the statement says it all. If you're wondering how I know I inherited this trait from my dad consider the fact that I have 6 other siblings. Four of the seven (including 3 of my 5 brothers) already have more than one child. Need I say more?